Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
