They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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