I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
