Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
