Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
