piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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