I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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