Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
