My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
