Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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