i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
