just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
