i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
