I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
