if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
