Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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