I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
