Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
