you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
