Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
