All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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