Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
