just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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