I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
