Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
