my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
