I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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