I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
