Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
