I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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