So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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