I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
