apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
