On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
