i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
