I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
