I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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