I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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