Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
false alarm, still single
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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