Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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