My hand turned me down
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Randomize
