Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
