winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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