is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
