Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
