I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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