omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
