Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
