Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
