Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Someone shattered a urinal.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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