sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He shit in the fireplace
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
